Parenting

Parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which they will live. 

First and foremost, all parenting should be done with LOVE! Not to show your power and authority over them. Forming a good relationship with your child should start when they're young because by the time they are teens, the only tool you have to influence them is your relationship with them.

When misbehavior does occur, provide discipline. Not punishment. 

Before I provide information on the best way to provide discipline, I want to stress that the more a child's needs are met, the less they misbehave.

So... focus on the child's needs, not their misbehaviors!

Popkins describes that the child's five basic needs include: Contact/Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, and Challenges. 

Here's a table that describes the needs, the mistaken approach by the child to get that need met, and then the way a parent should respond.

Child’s Goal	Mistaken Approach	Parent Response
Contact/Belonging	Undue Attention Seeking	Offer Contact Freely Provide Opportunities to Contribute
Power	Controls Others Rebellion	Help Them to Develop Responsibility Provide Choices and Consequences
Protection	Revenge	Assertiveness Forgiveness
Withdrawal	Undue Avoidance	Appropriate Avoidance (let them have the alone time they need)

I encourage you to look at the Problem-Handling Model because that's where I'm getting most of my information. 

When a problem comes up, figure out who owns the problem. Who is most affected by this problem?

Once this is established, you can know what steps to take. If the child owns the problem, let them learn from natural consequences (and make sure to be sympathetic and empathetic, but don't try to "save" them from the consequences of their actions). A parent should only interfere if it effects their safety, if it's too far in the future, or if it affects other people. If the parent owns the problem, these should be the steps followed. If the child doesn't change the problem, then go to the next step.

I'm going to use the example of picking up their things they keep leaving lying around the front room.

1. Give a Polite Request. If they follow through, show appreciation! (Would you please pick up your things and put them away? Thank you!)

2. Use an I-Statement. Remember to use this in positive and negative situations! This is the model: "When you                  I feel                 because                 . 
I would like                       ."

3. Give a Firm Request.

4. Give Logical Consequences. This is supposed to mimic natural consequences, and be logically connected to the misbehavior/problem. 

Remember to not engage in power struggles because power struggles mean you are losing and the child is winning. Just "pull up a chair" and talk! Or if a decision has already been made just walk away.




Here's an article that's goes more into depth!
https://www.mcds.org/uploaded/Whats_Up/Community_Ed/ActiveParentingSummary.pdf