Divorce and Remarriage

Anyone who has experienced divorce and/or remarriage in some way or another knows how challenging the readjustments can be. These readjustments take time to get used to. They won't happen overnight. In fact, it takes about 2 years to adjust and get used to them.

We were given four guidelines for blended families.

1. There is a minimum of 2 years to have a sense of normalcy. It takes time to figure out how you will work as a family.

2. It will never look or feel like a normal, 2-parent family. It's not the same and will never be the same! But that's ok. Every family is unique as it is, so don't stress that it's not a perfect looking family.

3. Biological parent should do all corrections/parenting. If the step-parent does the corrections and parenting, it leads to resentment toward that parent.

4. Step-parent should be like a really good aunt/uncle. This doesn't mean that they're the favorite aunt/uncle that gives out candy and treats. Traits of a really good aunt/uncle include being a role model or good example, supportive, gives advice, spends time with the kids, and supports the biological parent. 

Lastly, the parents of blended families need to have more closed-door councils/conferences. It's really important for the couple to figure out what is and isn't working for them and the kids. Blended families can work happily, it just takes time and effort to get there.

Parenting

Parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and to thrive in the world in which they will live. 

First and foremost, all parenting should be done with LOVE! Not to show your power and authority over them. Forming a good relationship with your child should start when they're young because by the time they are teens, the only tool you have to influence them is your relationship with them.

When misbehavior does occur, provide discipline. Not punishment. 

Before I provide information on the best way to provide discipline, I want to stress that the more a child's needs are met, the less they misbehave.

So... focus on the child's needs, not their misbehaviors!

Popkins describes that the child's five basic needs include: Contact/Belonging, Power, Protection, Withdrawal, and Challenges. 

Here's a table that describes the needs, the mistaken approach by the child to get that need met, and then the way a parent should respond.

Child’s Goal	Mistaken Approach	Parent Response
Contact/Belonging	Undue Attention Seeking	Offer Contact Freely Provide Opportunities to Contribute
Power	Controls Others Rebellion	Help Them to Develop Responsibility Provide Choices and Consequences
Protection	Revenge	Assertiveness Forgiveness
Withdrawal	Undue Avoidance	Appropriate Avoidance (let them have the alone time they need)

I encourage you to look at the Problem-Handling Model because that's where I'm getting most of my information. 

When a problem comes up, figure out who owns the problem. Who is most affected by this problem?

Once this is established, you can know what steps to take. If the child owns the problem, let them learn from natural consequences (and make sure to be sympathetic and empathetic, but don't try to "save" them from the consequences of their actions). A parent should only interfere if it effects their safety, if it's too far in the future, or if it affects other people. If the parent owns the problem, these should be the steps followed. If the child doesn't change the problem, then go to the next step.

I'm going to use the example of picking up their things they keep leaving lying around the front room.

1. Give a Polite Request. If they follow through, show appreciation! (Would you please pick up your things and put them away? Thank you!)

2. Use an I-Statement. Remember to use this in positive and negative situations! This is the model: "When you                  I feel                 because                 . 
I would like                       ."

3. Give a Firm Request.

4. Give Logical Consequences. This is supposed to mimic natural consequences, and be logically connected to the misbehavior/problem. 

Remember to not engage in power struggles because power struggles mean you are losing and the child is winning. Just "pull up a chair" and talk! Or if a decision has already been made just walk away.




Here's an article that's goes more into depth!
https://www.mcds.org/uploaded/Whats_Up/Community_Ed/ActiveParentingSummary.pdf

Finances

Finances can be a huge stress and burden in marriages and families. So many people have to have both parents working, rather than one staying home with the kids. 

What about the families that are making the transition from both the husband and wife working to just one income? Here are some steps to consider as you do this.

1. Inventory: Track how much money is coming in and how much is spent on what. This helps to see if all expenditures are necessary. How much money is being spent on your needs? How much money is being spent on your wants? What is technically a need or want? It's important to figure out what you should really be spending your money on, and what you don't really need to be spending your money on. 

2. Advice: Sometimes people need an outside look on what they're spending their money on, and what's necessary and what's not. This helps you receive "tough love." An outside perspective can help you decipher between needs and wants, without being biased.

3. Move Quickly: Sometimes you have to go down to one income unexpectedly. No matter what the situation is: Move quickly! You can't wait until you run out of money to put your plans into action. The faster you start implementing your budget, the better off you'll be!

4. Make a Budget: You must take the information you got from your inventory and make a plan where you spend less money than you make. You can't spend more money than you're making. There are some categories where you can't change how much your spending, like bills. Other categories can be reduced or gotten rid of completely, like food or going out to eat or clothes. If there's money leftover from the income, put it into savings! This can help to create an emergency fund. You never know what's going to happen or what will bring extra bills or expenses. 

Make sure to be patient! Budgeting can be hard, and sometimes people have a hard time sticking to a budget or slip up every now and then. It's so important to stick with it! Your attitude will make a huge difference in being able to be persistent and patient. Stay positive! 

Source: http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765556846/Staying-at-home-How-to-downsize-from-dual-to-single-income.html 

Communication

Normally, people use three media to communicate. These include words (14%), tone (35%), and nonverbal (51%). Our nonverbal ways to communicate come from our past experiences. Everyone has different backgrounds and past experiences. This means that everyone has a different way of communicating nonverbally which means that this leaves a lot of room misinterpretation and miscommunication. 

Since so much of communication is done nonverbally, you can never not communicate!

The best way to avoid miscommunications is to check that you're understanding the other person correctly. You can do this by saying, "Did I understand you correctly that.." Especially if it's a negative interaction, you're going to want to make sure that you're not misunderstanding each other. 

Communication is a hard thing to do when we all do it differently. The best way to avoid miscommunication is to realize that we all have different backgrounds that drive us to communicate the way we do and we have to make sure we're understanding each other.

Strong Families and Crises

In Chinese, crisis is written as danger+opportunity. With every struggle we have, there's an opportunity to succumb or overcome it.

There are so many possible stressors that a family can go through. Some occur everyday and others are bigger and more life-changing. We all have our ways of coping with difficult times, but it's what we do daily that helps make our families strong so that when those hard times do happen we can overcome it and come out stronger. 

So what do strong families do daily?

1. Have dinner together and have set daily routines. Spending quality time together helps a family to stay close to one another. Routines especially help children to have a constant thing to rely on. When something big and life changing happens, make sure to stick with the daily routines. This can help children to have a sense of normalcy even though life got turned upside down.
2. Accept each other (personalities, communication styles, etc.). If everyone feels loved and accepted, it makes it easier for people to cope with challenges. The home becomes a safe zone where everyone can be themselves and not have to worry about what others will think of them and accept their own coping strategies.
3. Have family councils. This pretty much means that every member of the family should be included in decisions and just talk to each other. Talking about each other's interests and what's going on each other's lives helps families to stay close and have a habit of talking to each other. This way when a crisis does happen, parents and children may feel more comfortable to talk about it together.
4. Involve everybody. Families should be a TEAM. When you sit down and talk as a family to make a decision, make sure you are sincere. Sometimes parents already have a decision made, and while they may listen to everyone else's opinion, they still don't take those opinions into consideration and just stick with the original decision made. Sincerely consider everyone's opinions and ideas. Sometimes they won't work, but go with them when they do. It will make the times you can't go with their ideas easier because they'll know that you do listen and value their opinions.
5. Support and be supported by family and friends. Having a good support system makes the hard times easier and better because you know you have people that have your back.
6. Affirm your family's worth and each individual's self-worth. Knowing that everyone is valuable and loved can be a great support when challenges occur.
7. Have family activities. Doing fun things together is just as important as spending time together doing day-to-day activities. Vacations or just short family outings can bring the family closer to one another. 

Having a strong family foundation will help ensure that the family will overcome crises, instead of succumbing to them.

Sexual Intimacy

Sex can be a wonderful, sacred experience. 

The best way for that to happen is for sexual intimacy to occur only between a husband and wife who are married. I'm recently married and I'm so grateful that both my husband and I waited until we were married to have sex. It made the experience so much more special and meaningful since it was the first time for the both of us. It gave us the opportunity to learn and grow together and become one.

Since male and female response cycles are so different, it takes time to learn about each other's needs and wants. A common misconception is about women's response cycles. Sex has to be a decision for a woman. They have to feel safe, emotionally connected, and have nonsexual touches outside the bedroom to decide to have sex. Once a woman decides, then the men must include the talk and touch. For a woman to have any desire, she needs to have that emotional connection and touching outside the bedroom. This makes her feel safe and loved and more comfortable to give of herself to her husband. 

There are benefits to being so different though. This gives the spouses an opportunity to think about the other person and their needs more. The more selfless you are, the closer relationship you will have. Once a couple puts in an effort to understand each other and talk to each other, they can be on the same page. When this happens, when a husband and wife can understand each other and know how to help the other, it will make sex that much more satisfying!

Adjustments in the Early Years of Marriage

When a couple first gets married, there's a lot of adjustments and transitions that need to be made. The main question that gets asked in some form or another is, "Where do we set boundaries?" 

I think the biggest boundary that needs to be set is the fact that a couple needs to have transparency. This means that when people ask about intimate things in another couple's marriage, that couple needs to be honest to the person asking that certain things are only between the husband and wife. This also means that if the husband or wife is upset at the other, that they shouldn't go to friends or mom and dad and vent to them. Even if the couple has gotten past what happened, other people might still be stuck on it and won't forget what happened, whether big or small. 

The solution to this: communication is key! A husband and wife just need to talk to each other FIRST. Since I'm newly married, I've seen this firsthand. A lot of our problem was that we weren't being as honest and open as we should've been about our feelings and thoughts and that lead to miscommunications and misperceptions on both of our parts. We would've saved a lot of time if we would've just talked about it as things happened rather than waiting until feelings had been hurt. 

Another major adjustment in a marriage is when kids start to come. Babies can bring so much joy into a family's life, and yet a lot of couples find that their satisfaction in marriage decreases after each child is born. This can be because of many different reasons. Some of these include the fact that the baby needs constant attention and so the mother's attention is often more focused on the baby. This often makes the father feel like he's not involved and he feels left out. A lot of misperceptions end up happening on both ends, which makes each spouse less "satisfied" in the marriage. 

There's lots of ways that this can be avoided though. The main thing would be that the mother should encourage the father to be very involved during the pregnancy and after the child is born, and the father should make sure he's doing his best to be involved. Before the birth, the father can go to all the doctor appointments and the mother can make sure she's scheduling the appointments around the father's school or work schedule. During the birth, the mother should rely on her husband, more than her mother or other women in her life. This can be an incredible bonding experience, so it's important that the husband is being the one involved and not someone else. After all, it's not just her baby. It's their baby! After the birth, each spouse should be attentive to each other's needs and look for opportunities to love and serve the other, especially since babies can make both parents so tired and worn out. The father can help take care of the child and bond with it at the same time. When couples take the time to love each other and include the father in the important, bonding times with the child, marital satisfaction won't go down but can actually increase.

To me, families take a lot of time and communication. It's so important to always be looking for opportunities to serve and love each other. A spouse and their wants and needs  should come before anything else!